The Journal of olive.
I usually don't care about new years but this time I'm getting some good vibes. I'm all set for Humboldt thus far, I have a short time left at RPHS, and I had a really nice first date today even if I was extremely nervous. I know I have way too much homework that I saved up for tomorrow and Sunday, still need to apply for scholarships and am going to hate IB testing...but day one of 2010 has treated me well and I hope the same for others.
Do you ever get the feeling that you're not meant to be where you are? It's a very unsettling feeling. I suppose it's not that I'm unsettled because I am settled, I have my routine and i am comfortable...but I feel oddly out of place right now. I almost feel like the people in my life that I love have become a burden, but I still love them and I still miss my old friends. But I feel like I'm supposed to be doing something different. I want to go somewhere with electric people who are buzzing with inspiration and adventure but I'm not sure if that even exists. I love the fall and spending late nights with friends and being with my family but I also have this itching feeling that I can do more. I'm really not sure what I'm looking for.
The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster,
Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.
Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.
I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three beloved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.
I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.
-- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) a disaster.
- Elizabeth Bishop
A lot of the people in my life right now need to realize that they're alright even when they have losses in their life. I would tell them myself but they're so angry they don't even want to hear it. I hope that eventually they'll see that not everything is a "disaster" and that there's more to life then our own problems that we create
For Halloween should I be from the 70's, a roller derby girl , or a ninja? I want to be a roller derby girl and my name would be Olivia Newtonbomb or Olivia Nuclearbomb but the roller skates will make it a little hard to get around. I could also be a housewife or any other ideas you may have?
I also need to decide what to do for my birthday which I don't want to do, birthdays aren't as exciting when you're not a little kid anymore and I feel stuck in this strange in-between. So any ideas?
I usually don't post often, let alone post about my relationships because I find it personal and feel weird leaving it open for the internet community to read. But I think that it might be good to hear others opinions on my silly problems for today.
My boyfriend is busy with sports, work and school a lot of the time so we don't get to see each other often and when we do he tends to be tired. At first this annoyed me but I realized that I shouldn't make him feel bad for doing things he enjoys and should be understanding of why he would be tired. Things were good...until he left for Pendleton this weekend with his friend. Since he got back he's decided he's going to try to go back as much as possible and wants to go to school there.
This made me upset and got me thinking about things. I'm fine with him going to Pendleton but the weekends are our only time to do things and he made it clear I couldn't come on the trips. I also realized there's nothing to do in Pendleton besides hang out with his new friends who all happen to be girls besides one. all of this made me not like the idea of Pendleton anymore. I also didn't like the idea of going to school there, not that it's my decision but he wouldn't be applying himself at all. He's intelligent and would look good to a lot of schools but he's taking the easy way out and pretty much giving up on trying...which is hard for me to respect.
This also got me thinking how does he not have time for me but can commit a whole weekend to Pendleton? ......My respect and understanding of him being busy and tired began to fade away....
Then I realized that in general:
He doesn't invite me to come to things with his friends and when he does he presents it as "well you can come if you want" which makes it sound like a hassle.
When he comes over after a long day (about the only time we get together) he falls asleep quite often.
He never takes me out even when I plan things but can decide a whole evening for him and his friends.
He never comes to hang out with me and my friends when I invite him, usually because he doesn't know them or doesn't like what we're doing...but he'll never get to know them if he never comes.
Anyways the point is I realized that he is making me feel unimportant and more like an object than a person. It also seems like he's saying that there's no point in trying to make things work now if we wont be together in the future which I get but if that's how he feels then why have a girlfriend. The hard part is explaining to him how he's making me feel. I tried to explain it last night but it came out as me being mad about him going to Pendleton when it's really how his actions make me feel in general....I know I need to talk to him again but I have the feeling I might explode on him, which tends to scare him off.
..... I really do like him but after reading what I just wrote I wonder if it's worth it?
I got a job interview on Monday! It's at the old spaghetti factory but its still a job! I got it through a friend who called in and told them I was coming so hopefully that helps with actually getting employed. I REALLY need the money too, I've been surviving off of $800 dollars for a year now and its pretty much gone finally. I did get $770 from my pig Rudy but I wont get that for awhile and there's lots of things I need to be saving for. Not only do I just need spending money to be able to go out but I need to start saving for college because I want to try and help out my parents. I also need to save up for a plane ticket because after graduation I may be going to Scotland with my sister!! I know that this year will be a little much with homework and college stuff but I think it will be much better then last year and even if it does suck I have Scotland to look forward to!
Anyways, is there anything special I need to do at a job interview? I've never been employed before so I don't know what to expect. Should I turn in a resume with my application even if I haven't been employed before?
Passed SSE, hopefully getting a job soon and ready for school.
I'm not sure what this last year of high school will be like but right now now I'm excited for it in a way. I think it will be pretty easy and it's going to be really different with all my older friends already graduated but it will be good.
Should I take College Writing (would be helpful but sum what difficult) or Creative Writing and Film? (Easy but a really interesting class)
and since most of you elowelers have been done with high school for a while now, how was your senior year compared to the years before?
is really a horrible trait.
I'm always caught up in things because I can't decide if I should do what I want or what makes others happy, even when I know which is the right decision.
I'm nervous about my drivers test tomorrow morning. It's going to be my second time taking it and I know what I need to do now, so I shouldn't be worried but I am. I have to pass it this time though because I feel horrible depending on others to drive me around, especially with gas costing so much. Plus if I get my license I can drive to go see someone I've really been missing recently because they get home tomorrow!
Besides that this past weekend wasn't as exciting as I was hoping. My parents are out of town so I thought I would have some fun but I think I picked the wrong person to go with. Danielle and I went to PDX pop fest which was mainly a giant swarm of hipsters and the music that wasn't very good. She introduced me to some of her friends who were nice....but more interested in themselves and the ecstasy they were on. It was a little awkward.
We did end up meeting some guys from Milwaukie who were normal and really nice, they invited us to a house concert the next night. Anyways it ended up with me wanting to hang out with the Milwaukie kids because they were sober and actually had things to say and Danielle wanting to look cool with her other friends. I suppose overall it was a new experience, I had never been to a house concert before or met anyone on ecstasy so I guess I can check that off my life list. Plus I'm sort of friends with one of the Milwaukie kids now, we plan on meeting at future shows and he knows a few of the same kids I know.
I love Danielle but she's one of those people who are more worried about looking good instead of just having some fun, which is the complete opposite of me.
I also got a phone call from my grandpa today, he made me a leather purse and it should be here on Thursday. I really miss them.
I think I found out a little more about myself, which is good because I've been needing one of those moments. I'm finally starting to get the right balance of family, guys, friends or just plain me time. I think It's always something I've had a lot of trouble with but I'm finally getting it now.
I'm also trying to not be so rude all the time and to stay positive. I have the tendency of saying inappropriate things or over reacting which is fine sometimes...but I really should just loosen up and think about having fun. I need to start working on independence and making decisions and doing things for myself.
Everything in my life right now is so different from what it's always been but surprisingly I'm not scared. I don't even really have someone to talk to about it, yet I'm fine.
I also saw the rarest Kung Fu movie in the world the other night. It was great.